Just a couple of things…

Over the past week, I’ve had a couple of interesting things happen

  1. Therapy

Nearly all but this appointment was one where both M and I attend. I want to make sure that He and I have to the most successful relationship possible, I feel that this is one of the better ways to accomplish this. This last appoint however was not one where we had a joint session. Rather when asked if I wanted Him to leave the room, I hesitantly said yes.
I’m glad that I did. We were able to talk through a couple of things and I felt good after I walked out of the appointment. There were things that I walked away thinking very positively on, and things that I need to work towards to achieve what I hope will be the next phase of my life.
These aren’t really things that I will get into much detail on right now, but I am working on creating a bigger social presence for myself, building from the ground up where I once was. It’s actual work to be that social for me since it’s a lot easier for me to have a screw it attitude and not engage with people, but I’ve come to realize that if I want to accomplish the goal of developing myself as a brand, then I have to do a little bit more coming out of my shell so to speak.
I was also given some advice about my relationship, and we had a conversation about factors in my relationship, that in some ways were overdue. We shall get to that shortly.

  1. Saturday

Before Saturday had rolled by, M and I had promised our friend that we would attend the local dungeon with her. I felt neither here or there about going. I certainly wasn’t going for my own benefit, but rather because she needed us to be there for her.

…but Saturday night I was desperate to say no.

Later in the afternoon I developed a menstrual migraine. It was wicked. It seemed to come out of nowhere and completely sent me diving under the covers to get away from everything. Namely sunlight. I closed my eyes for several hours, making sure to have supper and then crawled into bed shortly after. M during this time was out working, coming home for supper and with the intent of us going out to the dungeon. And so began a couple hours of bulls… that I really didn’t appreciate at all.

In a very tired state, I guess I had told M something along the lines of; “Go to the dungeon. It’s okay”. I would like to state that I was completely whacked out with a migraine and half asleep. I didn’t mean this, I was trying to be nice. Stupid move on my part.

M begins loading up his play bag. I’m hearing this happen and I start coming too, but I’m far too exhausted to lift my head to really whine and complain that whatever nonsense I’ve just spewed I was wrong. Rather my mind begins to reel and I’m starting to just get plain angry that this is actually happening. He sounds like He’s taking me up on my offer. He is considering going to the dungeon and leaving me when I feel like absolute shit.

When He’s done He leans over me and asks: “are you sure that it’s okay if I go”. I think my blood was boiling at that moment, and I think, at this point I had enough sense to say that if He went I really would not be okay with this. In fact, I believe I went so far as to threaten that if He left that He might not see me when He got back. I was that angry. Not simply because He was going to go to the dungeon without me, but because I wasn’t feeling good. He should be home taking care of me. Or is this me yet again pushing unrealistic expectations on Him?

By this time, I was completely awake. I was drinking as much water as I could tolerate and I took more headache medicine. I wanted to just get this conversation over and done with. If we were going to talk this one out, I was going to be as lucid as I could possibly be.

And talk we did. Actually, as usual I did most of the talking, but we did talk about it. He explained that He felt as though I was being distant lately, almost as if I was pulling away. I tried to tell Him that since I was no longer on my medication I didn’t feel the same way anymore. The little bit of dullness that the medicine had given me had ebbed away and I was feeling differently. I don’t feel that sadness that I used to all the time. In fact, I feel the opposite, at times I feel social, wanting to spend time with people and friends. I haven’t felt like that in a very long time. It’s a nice feeling. It’s somewhat akin to what I was like when I was a teenager. I want to be out and about doing stuff. Granted I want it on my terms many of the times, but I still want to be out more than I ever did before. The flip side of this though is that I was also growing very frustrated and angry that He wasn’t following through with things that He told me He would. Getting a new job, losing weight. Things that He tells me He wants to do so badly, but doesn’t work on. My answer to not getting so upset about these things anymore is simply disconnecting myself from them. I’m not going to try and be helpful towards him regarding those things anymore. The more I insert myself, the more I want to remove myself. Therefore, the best course of action is for me to no longer impose myself where my nose does not belong.

Since that conversation I feel as though things have been a little better between us. We have a few other things that have since surfaced, but these are manageable items that we can work through.

So there we have that… a couple of interesting things

 

 

 

…whoopsie!

After locating my camera that I subsequently handed over to my eldest for school purposes, I decided that I should probably take a look and see if there are any images on the SD card that was located in said camera. I scrolled through seeing a couple of food items, then me dressed in my favourite corset and a pair of boots, and then low and behold; penis.

Not just anyone’s random penis, but ex-relationship penis. Of course what made this even more hilarious was the fact that M was also looking at the pictures with me.

Now, have you ever had that moment where you’re looking through pictures, and you’re actively acknowledging what you’re seeing, but you’ve almost forgotten that someone is looking at the images with you? That was me. I was trying to get through the pictures as quickly as possible, but they seemed endless. You would think that I would have just turned off the camera, but sometimes when you’re caught off guard like that, you can’t help but press forward in the memento that you’ve started. We finally reached the end and relief just washed over me.

The first thing M says when we’re done; “…well I suspected he was small”. I didn’t laugh, I thought that would be unkind. I was with said penis for well over a decade and a half. I wasn’t happy the entire time I was married, but it’s not nice to mock another man’s genitals. So I just asked for Him to “be nice”.

To this moment I still can’t believe that I have those photos. I remember taking them, but I thought that I had deleted the pictures. That’s not the first penis of a person I’ve been with that’s turned up before my eyes. That’s the only one however that has ended up being viewed by M, hopefully it will also be the last.

It’s not an addiction… I just like it a lot ♥

Daddy is under the impression that I have an addiction to porn. I don’t think that I do. I treat it like it’s something to watch like any other show.  Well, let me restate that, we had a conversation the other day and he said that he thought that I was addicted to porn. I told him that by standard definition, I was not addicted. I don’t let it interrupt my daily life, and I certainly don’t put it in front of other things. I certainly don’t let it run my life.

I just like to watch it. As though watching telly. The only thing is that sometimes I don’t watch the entire thing because I get bored of watching the same thing over and over. I mean there is only so many times I want to watch someone being thrusted in and out of. Then of course, watching a blow job can get super boring as well. It’s obviously so much better to actually do these things than watch, but I do like watching them because I like sex. A lot. I like sex in many ways.

If I’ve not stated it before, if I could be paid to be in the industry, and be paid very lucratively, I would do it. It’s one of the most beautiful human interactions that can take place, and to watch it is just fun!

I still remember one of the first adult movies that I ever watched and I wish that there was a way for me to get a hold of it again. I know that I never can because it was some random tape that belonged to my dad. Another that I found I’ve been able to get a hold of, and I have a copy that I am going to try and never get rid of ever again.

It’s a German movie from back in ’86 and stars Teresa Orlowski, a Polish adult film star who was very, very popular back in her day. She has a series of movies called “Foxy Lady” and while I’ve only ever really seen the one movie with her in it, I just can’t help but adore this woman.

There’s about 5 clips in total on the video, and each one is rather long, but man, I could watch that thing over and over again. The only down side is that it’s in German, so I don’t really know what they are saying. Does it really matter? Well I will say yes in this case because there are actual plots that have been created, and I while I can somewhat make out what’s going on in at least 3 of them, there is one that I am a little confused about what’s happening and I would like some solid clarity on it.

I’m going to make a note to myself to review this movie when I have time. Perhaps break it down into the segments and rate, comment on each piece.

Damn! You know…I wish I could mystery science theatre porn. I would be so great at it.

Like a lot of people I’m sure, I am very particular about the kind of porn that I watch. I have things that interest me a lot and then other things that I have 0 interest in whatsoever. I’d like porn with transsexuals, does nothing to turn me on, I don’t like man on man porn, same as transsexuals. Anything that involves two penis’s on one man, anything that involves an oddity by “normal” social standard. I once saw a porno with a man who had a penis that looked like Jabba the Hut. I kid you fucking not, it was terrifying for a young girl to see.

What I do like is; lesbian, rough, rough lesbian, bondage, rope, threesomes (MMF), creampies, anal (sparingly). I’m a major fan of Brazzers, so much of a fan that I began a monthly account, and I routinely check the site to see what’s new on the site. They have a series that they run called Hot & Mean which is mainly girl-on-girl rough sex. The series used to be a lot better than it is now, but it’s still good.

There is one site that I really would like to get a subscription to, but I just can’t rationalize spending the 40$ that I think it costs month over month. It’s run by Kink University, or kink.com.  The clips that they produce, and the products that they make are completely up my ally. It’s all BDSM related. One of my favourite stars (Chanel Preston) of the moment has done a lot of scenes with them, and I’m so tempted to sign up, but again… parting with the money is a little more than I am willing to do at the moment.

The fact that I am actually paying for any site at all is an amazing thing to me at all since I was never one to really pay. I’m rather proud of myself. I definitely feel as though you should support the companies that take the time to create these clips/ movies. Now if only in return, I could find a way to be paid to watch, review, and whatever else.

Daddy mentioned that maybe I should look into being a paid reviewer of sex toys. I’d actually like to do that a lot. He mentioned that we need to talk to our therapist about it. I get so embarrassed asking about things like that, but it would be fun, and it would be nice to get a little bit of extra income.

….task appointed

 

 

 

♫ play that music ♫

Listening to Music is one of my favorite methods of relaxing.  I find a lot of happiness in having my headphones on and just listening to pieces whether it’s pop, classical, opera, R&B, Alternative, Big Band, Kpop, Jpop, and lots of other genres.

I’ll take a step back from the country, polka, metal of any kind, and I’m sure a slew of others.

Now and again I like to share a song that I’ve heard that I like, or an artist or group. Today, as I was listening to one of my favourite playlists (self created), I came across Heavy by Oh Wonder. They are a duo from the US, and this song is just so great.

I’m going to work on creating my Music Bank which will basically list each and every song that I love, and if I’m able to find a music video to it, I will post that, along with the lyrics (as links to the their respective pages), to an entirely separate page since I know that will end up being quite extensive as well as take up quite some time to work through.

I’m always open to listening to new music too, so if you happen to follow me and have recommendations, I would love to hear them.

…Where’d the Cheerleader Go?

I had a lot of therapy this week. The focus of which is directly related to the topic of M needing to find a job. It stems a little deeper than this. The main thing here is the need for Him to have a consistent situation that will provide Him with a paycheck. That is not as meager as the one that He currently receives.

Our therapist came up with a couple of suggestions that are viable options, but will certainly test the strength of this relationship. Sounds a little dramatic and usually I don’t go for that, but for the first time, I genuinely feel like it’s the perfect description of how I feel.

M has a degree in video editing and she opened up the possibility to Him of editing videos of the adult kind. The one that’s kicking off at the moment is Him editing as a trial a video for a Dominatrix. I am so supportive of this, but I do have some fears about where this might lead.

I’m concerned that He might get all wrapped up in doing this and then end up at some point just… well the result would be us breaking up. I don’t want to break up. Why do I think that we would break up? I guess it comes down to have some serious trust issues.

It’s not as though I think that M would cheat on me, but I have cheated before, so I know what it’s like. I know the emotions that can be associated with getting together with someone else. It’s not always that cut and dry. I know that I shouldn’t think the way that I am. I just remember that M was in an open situation before He met me, and I understand how He falls for people. I don’t trust that the same thing won’t happen again.

Of course, the awful thing about this, is that it just makes me want to shut down and stop being present in the relationship. I haven’t been really talking much to Him over the course of the last 24 hours and that’s not fair, because at this point I might as well be saying; “let’s break-up”. Again, I don’t want to. I love Him very much. I’m just going into some bizarre self-preservation mode.

What I should be doing instead, is looking at this opportunity He’s been handed and cheerleading Him on. Encouraging and giving Him ideas. I know that I’m capable of doing this, it’s just a little harder for me to be in that place right now. I’m doing the one thing that I hate: I’m focusing a great deal on the negative. That’s not going to get either of us anywhere.

I know that when I talk to our therapist she’s going to make suggestions that I’m already aware of. I know that I need to look at the upside, He could be working towards a good career that He didn’t even know was possible, doing something that has the potential to be a lot of fun for Him. This is going to hopefully make Him happy, which will make us happy. At the end of the day, that’s what I want for us both. Success doing what it is we like to do. There are opportunities for me to grow into this with Him. He’s already asked me for help and I like that He did that. He’s including me on this, when He could just as easily keep me out completely.

I know that writing about this has certainly helped me. I am feeling much better, proving yet again that writing is great therapy in and among itself for me.

Eyes over here buddy… and by buddy I mean Daddy

Daddy I don’t think would ever cheat on me. I say think because you just never know what other people will do. I mean hell, you never know what you’re capable of yourself at times, but I don’t think that Daddy would wilfully hurt my feelings like that.  

But do Daddy’s eyes wonder all over the place. Yes. Does this hurt my feelings? Double yes. Is this an impossible thing to explain to Him, triple yes. He doesn’t seem to understand that my raging insecurities get the better of me, and while I know that He is just looking, I guess it’s the entire process of “just looking” that gets to me. He always looks so guilty when He does it. All the time. And this isn’t just me embellishing, I promise. I don’t grandiose stories. This is what happens: He notices a woman, He transforms to a smiling personality to a straight face. His eyes move from happy creases, to downcast, and what really gives it away is the way that His mouth shifts. He makes gestures with His lips, I can’t explain it, but these adjustments tell me right away that He has just observed an attractive female walk into the room. And it doesn’t just stop at the one look. What He continues to do, is follow the person around the room. And then occasionally look. Occasionally may actually be an understatement. It’s the constant look up, look over. Repeatedly. 
Last night wasn’t really any different. It actually led to a moment of pissed-offness from me. As though I wasn’t entitled to feelings of Him looking at other women. I called Him out on it, as I usually do, because I don’t like to bottle those feelings inside. I’ve done that. I did it for decades. I’m a mother fucking pro at it. I vowed now though, that I wasn’t going to do it this time around. So the truth came tumbling out. 
And my over arching point in a round about way, was: I’m insecure, I need validation from you (Him) that I’m loved, that I mean something even though you’re (He) looking at other women. Show me affection, because I get that it’s healthy for you (Him) to look, I just want you to see me too. 
Now if you’re wondering, surely you do the same thing too, of course I do. I’m in love, I’m not blind. But do I think I’m that obvious. No, I don’t. Not even close. I think maybe He would prefer that I were so that He could say “well you do the exact same thing”. The thing is, half the time, I’m not paying attention. When I do notice I certainly don’t change my entire demeanour as though I’ve just been caught stealing candy. I mean seriously. There is a subtly in noticing another attractive person. If they’re in your line of sight, sure, give a look, but I don’t feel a compulsion to follow that person around the room and then continue to watch that person. 
This is a behaviour that’s not going to change or go away, I know that. What I need though is an adjustment in how He treats me when it happens. I don’t need the obvious hands on approach, like over compensation. I need Him to be okay with me being a little huffy over it, so I can just as quickly not be huffy. I’d like for Him to bring Himself back to me. Am I asking too much? 

…and I’m back!

After a considerable amount of time away, I find myself back online writing. Thank goodness! I have missed it so much. I constantly waver between wondering if I should and if I shouldn’t, but the fact is, I love writing and I love people being able to see what I write.

I used to write under the site of kittieshouseofbliss, but quit it over 6 months ago due to multiple reasons. Do I want to go through them in a single post? I don’t think so, but who knows maybe as things arise and the topic seems appropriate I may return back to a page or two from that period.

As it stands, here I am, 6 plus months forward. In a new living situation, which I don’t want to get into, with my Daddy, who I am sure will be a heavy feature on my blog, doing pretty much the same thing I was doing before. There is a happiness now I didn’t have before, there are also some struggles. What’s life without some of those!?

Overall, I am happier than I have been and I attribute a lot of that to Daddy, M.

I’m still a S/switch, but spend about 95% of my time being Daddy’s babygirl/littlegirl, and dare I even admit, the occasional brat. Shhhhhhh, I didn’t say that. He he he. The role grew progressively in that direction after months and months of us being together and it’s certainly a better fit for us. We do have the occasional power struggle, but I take ownership of the rift it causes, because it’s typically me needing to be in charge to release that part of me, but failing to effectively communicate that I have that need. Okay, well I won’t take 100% ownership, because there are times that Daddy needs me to Mummy up, but won’t tell me. We’re both capricorns, we both have our communication issues. We’re going to therapy, so it’s not like we aren’t aware of this. We just have a hard time with “it”  (“it” is the communication).

So, yeah… there you have that. I am back. I am going to be really trying for a minimum of a once a week post. This blog will be like my old blog which primarily focused on my relationship, but I am opening it up to the other pieces of me. The little/baby girl, Domme/Mommy, the mother, the creative artist (crochet counts right?), the occasional writer, these and I am sure so much more make up who I am.

Thanks for stopping by!