♫ play that music ♫

Listening to Music is one of my favorite methods of relaxing.  I find a lot of happiness in having my headphones on and just listening to pieces whether it’s pop, classical, opera, R&B, Alternative, Big Band, Kpop, Jpop, and lots of other genres.

I’ll take a step back from the country, polka, metal of any kind, and I’m sure a slew of others.

Now and again I like to share a song that I’ve heard that I like, or an artist or group. Today, as I was listening to one of my favourite playlists (self created), I came across Heavy by Oh Wonder. They are a duo from the US, and this song is just so great.

I’m going to work on creating my Music Bank which will basically list each and every song that I love, and if I’m able to find a music video to it, I will post that, along with the lyrics (as links to the their respective pages), to an entirely separate page since I know that will end up being quite extensive as well as take up quite some time to work through.

I’m always open to listening to new music too, so if you happen to follow me and have recommendations, I would love to hear them.

…Where’d the Cheerleader Go?

I had a lot of therapy this week. The focus of which is directly related to the topic of M needing to find a job. It stems a little deeper than this. The main thing here is the need for Him to have a consistent situation that will provide Him with a paycheck. That is not as meager as the one that He currently receives.

Our therapist came up with a couple of suggestions that are viable options, but will certainly test the strength of this relationship. Sounds a little dramatic and usually I don’t go for that, but for the first time, I genuinely feel like it’s the perfect description of how I feel.

M has a degree in video editing and she opened up the possibility to Him of editing videos of the adult kind. The one that’s kicking off at the moment is Him editing as a trial a video for a Dominatrix. I am so supportive of this, but I do have some fears about where this might lead.

I’m concerned that He might get all wrapped up in doing this and then end up at some point just… well the result would be us breaking up. I don’t want to break up. Why do I think that we would break up? I guess it comes down to have some serious trust issues.

It’s not as though I think that M would cheat on me, but I have cheated before, so I know what it’s like. I know the emotions that can be associated with getting together with someone else. It’s not always that cut and dry. I know that I shouldn’t think the way that I am. I just remember that M was in an open situation before He met me, and I understand how He falls for people. I don’t trust that the same thing won’t happen again.

Of course, the awful thing about this, is that it just makes me want to shut down and stop being present in the relationship. I haven’t been really talking much to Him over the course of the last 24 hours and that’s not fair, because at this point I might as well be saying; “let’s break-up”. Again, I don’t want to. I love Him very much. I’m just going into some bizarre self-preservation mode.

What I should be doing instead, is looking at this opportunity He’s been handed and cheerleading Him on. Encouraging and giving Him ideas. I know that I’m capable of doing this, it’s just a little harder for me to be in that place right now. I’m doing the one thing that I hate: I’m focusing a great deal on the negative. That’s not going to get either of us anywhere.

I know that when I talk to our therapist she’s going to make suggestions that I’m already aware of. I know that I need to look at the upside, He could be working towards a good career that He didn’t even know was possible, doing something that has the potential to be a lot of fun for Him. This is going to hopefully make Him happy, which will make us happy. At the end of the day, that’s what I want for us both. Success doing what it is we like to do. There are opportunities for me to grow into this with Him. He’s already asked me for help and I like that He did that. He’s including me on this, when He could just as easily keep me out completely.

I know that writing about this has certainly helped me. I am feeling much better, proving yet again that writing is great therapy in and among itself for me.

Eyes over here buddy… and by buddy I mean Daddy

Daddy I don’t think would ever cheat on me. I say think because you just never know what other people will do. I mean hell, you never know what you’re capable of yourself at times, but I don’t think that Daddy would wilfully hurt my feelings like that.  

But do Daddy’s eyes wonder all over the place. Yes. Does this hurt my feelings? Double yes. Is this an impossible thing to explain to Him, triple yes. He doesn’t seem to understand that my raging insecurities get the better of me, and while I know that He is just looking, I guess it’s the entire process of “just looking” that gets to me. He always looks so guilty when He does it. All the time. And this isn’t just me embellishing, I promise. I don’t grandiose stories. This is what happens: He notices a woman, He transforms to a smiling personality to a straight face. His eyes move from happy creases, to downcast, and what really gives it away is the way that His mouth shifts. He makes gestures with His lips, I can’t explain it, but these adjustments tell me right away that He has just observed an attractive female walk into the room. And it doesn’t just stop at the one look. What He continues to do, is follow the person around the room. And then occasionally look. Occasionally may actually be an understatement. It’s the constant look up, look over. Repeatedly. 
Last night wasn’t really any different. It actually led to a moment of pissed-offness from me. As though I wasn’t entitled to feelings of Him looking at other women. I called Him out on it, as I usually do, because I don’t like to bottle those feelings inside. I’ve done that. I did it for decades. I’m a mother fucking pro at it. I vowed now though, that I wasn’t going to do it this time around. So the truth came tumbling out. 
And my over arching point in a round about way, was: I’m insecure, I need validation from you (Him) that I’m loved, that I mean something even though you’re (He) looking at other women. Show me affection, because I get that it’s healthy for you (Him) to look, I just want you to see me too. 
Now if you’re wondering, surely you do the same thing too, of course I do. I’m in love, I’m not blind. But do I think I’m that obvious. No, I don’t. Not even close. I think maybe He would prefer that I were so that He could say “well you do the exact same thing”. The thing is, half the time, I’m not paying attention. When I do notice I certainly don’t change my entire demeanour as though I’ve just been caught stealing candy. I mean seriously. There is a subtly in noticing another attractive person. If they’re in your line of sight, sure, give a look, but I don’t feel a compulsion to follow that person around the room and then continue to watch that person. 
This is a behaviour that’s not going to change or go away, I know that. What I need though is an adjustment in how He treats me when it happens. I don’t need the obvious hands on approach, like over compensation. I need Him to be okay with me being a little huffy over it, so I can just as quickly not be huffy. I’d like for Him to bring Himself back to me. Am I asking too much? 

…and I’m back!

After a considerable amount of time away, I find myself back online writing. Thank goodness! I have missed it so much. I constantly waver between wondering if I should and if I shouldn’t, but the fact is, I love writing and I love people being able to see what I write.

I used to write under the site of kittieshouseofbliss, but quit it over 6 months ago due to multiple reasons. Do I want to go through them in a single post? I don’t think so, but who knows maybe as things arise and the topic seems appropriate I may return back to a page or two from that period.

As it stands, here I am, 6 plus months forward. In a new living situation, which I don’t want to get into, with my Daddy, who I am sure will be a heavy feature on my blog, doing pretty much the same thing I was doing before. There is a happiness now I didn’t have before, there are also some struggles. What’s life without some of those!?

Overall, I am happier than I have been and I attribute a lot of that to Daddy, M.

I’m still a S/switch, but spend about 95% of my time being Daddy’s babygirl/littlegirl, and dare I even admit, the occasional brat. Shhhhhhh, I didn’t say that. He he he. The role grew progressively in that direction after months and months of us being together and it’s certainly a better fit for us. We do have the occasional power struggle, but I take ownership of the rift it causes, because it’s typically me needing to be in charge to release that part of me, but failing to effectively communicate that I have that need. Okay, well I won’t take 100% ownership, because there are times that Daddy needs me to Mummy up, but won’t tell me. We’re both capricorns, we both have our communication issues. We’re going to therapy, so it’s not like we aren’t aware of this. We just have a hard time with “it”  (“it” is the communication).

So, yeah… there you have that. I am back. I am going to be really trying for a minimum of a once a week post. This blog will be like my old blog which primarily focused on my relationship, but I am opening it up to the other pieces of me. The little/baby girl, Domme/Mommy, the mother, the creative artist (crochet counts right?), the occasional writer, these and I am sure so much more make up who I am.

Thanks for stopping by!