I’m my biggest fan

This is my daily validation that I don’t need to compare myself to other people to know that I am a smart, funny, beautiful, woman who is capable of so many things.

That comparing myself to other people is not a healthy exercise, and that only I, can define who I am.

Sometimes it’s very easy for me to compare myself to other women when I am feeling insecure about myself. This is not a healthy exercise. We are all different people. All bodies are not the same, all personalities are not the same. We are individuals for a reason. We may have common thoughts, and behaviors, but ultimately, what makes a person a person is the fact that no one is quite like yourself.

I have to remind myself of these things because I can get so wrapped up in my own insecurities that I no longer behave like my true self.

I find that this is especially relevant since I have started dating M. It’s not M’s fault, these are insecurities that I’ve carried around with me for years. Since we’ve started dating though they have been especially bad. I don’t know why. It’s rather annoying actually.

What I need to focus on however is reassuring myself that I am the very things that I mentioned earlier; smart, funny, beautiful (inside and out). If I am not loved for what and who I am, then that is not on me. No one validates me, but me.

Pep talks are important. If someone isn’t going to give you one, give it to yourself. I’m finding that it makes me feel better. I should start looking at the mirror and saying it, making sure to really believe all the words that I say to myself. I wonder if with a continuous session of this that I will start to see a change in the way that I see myself and how others see me. I want to be seen as the confident girl (again). I always was when I was a kid. I don’t recognize this adult version of myself. I don’t like this adult version of myself. She’s filled with anxiety (which is fine), but she’s not fighting it. Instead she looks inside the orange dusty bottle of medication and says; take that, it will take the edge of.

I have body image issues because I’m not built like the 20 somethings that I am constantly comparing myself to. I’m not 20 something anymore I’m 30 something… I have room for improvement and I plan to start taking steps soon to get back into the shape that I want to be. I will be getting my gym membership and I will be waking up early and getting healthy. If I could afford a trainer, I would do that too. I want to focus on losing two dress sizes and toning and defining what I have. I know that this all takes a lot of work, but I don’t particularly care for the skin I’m in at the moment. This body is the only one that I am ever going to have, so I need to treat it like the temple I feel it needs to be.

I’m short, broad shouldered and curvy in all the right places. My tummy and hips are my areas of opportunity. This sister is thick. If I can get those under control, I would be more than happy with my size. I really just don’t want to climb up to the size that I was. I’ve had to make small changes in the way that I eat, again. And I am trying to walk more than I was. I feel like I’m going to have a good kick start with the tiny vacation that I have coming up. I have to make sure that I don’t spend all the money that I have while I’m gone, because I want to make sure that I have gym membership dues when I get back. I get excited with the notion of going to the gym because I love being a treadmill.

…so there we have that. Love myself. Even when I have a hard time believing that I am awesome. Love myself, because no one will love me harder than me.

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