What the actual fuck is wrong with me? Do I suffer from a disorder that allows me to see outside of myself and recognize when I am actively participating in damaging behavior? If so, what is that? I need to understand.
Yesterday I experienced sub-drop (I’d played Sunday). It’s been a very long time since I last experienced that particular version of drop. It includes questioning myself worth, wanting to isolate myself, and I think that it may even have rolled into physical symptoms including an upset stomach and a mild headache. I’ve actually suffered massive migraines from a Top/ sub drop so I’m completely unsurprised by that last one. But the reduction in self-esteem and the need for isolation are not results I’ve had in a long time, and I’m not handling it very well.
I know what’s causing it, I know that I need to stop the behavior, but each time I just feel myself stepping down that path again. I can’t explain it other than a light coming on and off. I recognize that I have the problem. I back away from it, and then in a moment I find myself having the very same feeling again.
What makes this all the more worse is that I am trying really hard to separate myself from M. He was so busy yesterday He wouldn’t have noticed, but today is a new day, and He’s off so the act of trying to hide away may be unsuccessful.
I wish that I could explain the feelings but for someone who doesn’t hold the level of empathy/ compassion/ sympathy etc that I do, it makes it hard for me to be able to explain. I don’t want His attention until I want His attention. I don’t want His touch until I need it. The troubling thing at the moment is that I am so far down on wanting isolation that the notion of any contact at all just makes me want to burst into tears.
I know that the fix for this is very, very simple. I just need to be around Him. It really is that simple, but I’m stuck at work, in my own head surrounded by non-Him’s so I get to lament on the fact that;
- I’m better off single
- Does He really need to be a nice person and talk to His ex girlfriend?
- He unfriended her on FB, what exactly is the necessity to be friends on their again?
- He doesn’t’ care about me, He only cares about Him
- He should have checked in on me sooner than the 3 ½ hours that He did.
The sensible person in me knows that these things are really stupid things to worry about. I talk to all sorts of people I don’t expect Him to put limitations on that. I know He wants to, but He doesn’t have it in Him to actively say: don’t. I also know that, no, He didn’t know how bad the drop was, because even I didn’t realize how bad it was (/is). I shouldn’t hold that against Him because that’s not fair. He doesn’t have esp, He can’t read my mind. The emotional part of me just wants Him to understand that, that is where I am, but because He doesn’t, I am trying to unfairly punish Him by distancing myself… I swear He dates someone who is very unstable. Does anyone else do this shit? Because I feel like I must be the only one.
And that’s what I’m talking about. I am so self-aware that I recognize that I have the problem. I know what I need to do to “fix” it. I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to be consistent so that I can drag myself out of it. It’s a really great, yet totally fucking annoying quality, I know that much.