Just a couple of things…

Over the past week, I’ve had a couple of interesting things happen

  1. Therapy

Nearly all but this appointment was one where both M and I attend. I want to make sure that He and I have to the most successful relationship possible, I feel that this is one of the better ways to accomplish this. This last appoint however was not one where we had a joint session. Rather when asked if I wanted Him to leave the room, I hesitantly said yes.
I’m glad that I did. We were able to talk through a couple of things and I felt good after I walked out of the appointment. There were things that I walked away thinking very positively on, and things that I need to work towards to achieve what I hope will be the next phase of my life.
These aren’t really things that I will get into much detail on right now, but I am working on creating a bigger social presence for myself, building from the ground up where I once was. It’s actual work to be that social for me since it’s a lot easier for me to have a screw it attitude and not engage with people, but I’ve come to realize that if I want to accomplish the goal of developing myself as a brand, then I have to do a little bit more coming out of my shell so to speak.
I was also given some advice about my relationship, and we had a conversation about factors in my relationship, that in some ways were overdue. We shall get to that shortly.

  1. Saturday

Before Saturday had rolled by, M and I had promised our friend that we would attend the local dungeon with her. I felt neither here or there about going. I certainly wasn’t going for my own benefit, but rather because she needed us to be there for her.

…but Saturday night I was desperate to say no.

Later in the afternoon I developed a menstrual migraine. It was wicked. It seemed to come out of nowhere and completely sent me diving under the covers to get away from everything. Namely sunlight. I closed my eyes for several hours, making sure to have supper and then crawled into bed shortly after. M during this time was out working, coming home for supper and with the intent of us going out to the dungeon. And so began a couple hours of bulls… that I really didn’t appreciate at all.

In a very tired state, I guess I had told M something along the lines of; “Go to the dungeon. It’s okay”. I would like to state that I was completely whacked out with a migraine and half asleep. I didn’t mean this, I was trying to be nice. Stupid move on my part.

M begins loading up his play bag. I’m hearing this happen and I start coming too, but I’m far too exhausted to lift my head to really whine and complain that whatever nonsense I’ve just spewed I was wrong. Rather my mind begins to reel and I’m starting to just get plain angry that this is actually happening. He sounds like He’s taking me up on my offer. He is considering going to the dungeon and leaving me when I feel like absolute shit.

When He’s done He leans over me and asks: “are you sure that it’s okay if I go”. I think my blood was boiling at that moment, and I think, at this point I had enough sense to say that if He went I really would not be okay with this. In fact, I believe I went so far as to threaten that if He left that He might not see me when He got back. I was that angry. Not simply because He was going to go to the dungeon without me, but because I wasn’t feeling good. He should be home taking care of me. Or is this me yet again pushing unrealistic expectations on Him?

By this time, I was completely awake. I was drinking as much water as I could tolerate and I took more headache medicine. I wanted to just get this conversation over and done with. If we were going to talk this one out, I was going to be as lucid as I could possibly be.

And talk we did. Actually, as usual I did most of the talking, but we did talk about it. He explained that He felt as though I was being distant lately, almost as if I was pulling away. I tried to tell Him that since I was no longer on my medication I didn’t feel the same way anymore. The little bit of dullness that the medicine had given me had ebbed away and I was feeling differently. I don’t feel that sadness that I used to all the time. In fact, I feel the opposite, at times I feel social, wanting to spend time with people and friends. I haven’t felt like that in a very long time. It’s a nice feeling. It’s somewhat akin to what I was like when I was a teenager. I want to be out and about doing stuff. Granted I want it on my terms many of the times, but I still want to be out more than I ever did before. The flip side of this though is that I was also growing very frustrated and angry that He wasn’t following through with things that He told me He would. Getting a new job, losing weight. Things that He tells me He wants to do so badly, but doesn’t work on. My answer to not getting so upset about these things anymore is simply disconnecting myself from them. I’m not going to try and be helpful towards him regarding those things anymore. The more I insert myself, the more I want to remove myself. Therefore, the best course of action is for me to no longer impose myself where my nose does not belong.

Since that conversation I feel as though things have been a little better between us. We have a few other things that have since surfaced, but these are manageable items that we can work through.

So there we have that… a couple of interesting things




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