I had a lot of therapy this week. The focus of which is directly related to the topic of M needing to find a job. It stems a little deeper than this. The main thing here is the need for Him to have a consistent situation that will provide Him with a paycheck. That is not as meager as the one that He currently receives.
Our therapist came up with a couple of suggestions that are viable options, but will certainly test the strength of this relationship. Sounds a little dramatic and usually I don’t go for that, but for the first time, I genuinely feel like it’s the perfect description of how I feel.
M has a degree in video editing and she opened up the possibility to Him of editing videos of the adult kind. The one that’s kicking off at the moment is Him editing as a trial a video for a Dominatrix. I am so supportive of this, but I do have some fears about where this might lead.
I’m concerned that He might get all wrapped up in doing this and then end up at some point just… well the result would be us breaking up. I don’t want to break up. Why do I think that we would break up? I guess it comes down to have some serious trust issues.
It’s not as though I think that M would cheat on me, but I have cheated before, so I know what it’s like. I know the emotions that can be associated with getting together with someone else. It’s not always that cut and dry. I know that I shouldn’t think the way that I am. I just remember that M was in an open situation before He met me, and I understand how He falls for people. I don’t trust that the same thing won’t happen again.
Of course, the awful thing about this, is that it just makes me want to shut down and stop being present in the relationship. I haven’t been really talking much to Him over the course of the last 24 hours and that’s not fair, because at this point I might as well be saying; “let’s break-up”. Again, I don’t want to. I love Him very much. I’m just going into some bizarre self-preservation mode.
What I should be doing instead, is looking at this opportunity He’s been handed and cheerleading Him on. Encouraging and giving Him ideas. I know that I’m capable of doing this, it’s just a little harder for me to be in that place right now. I’m doing the one thing that I hate: I’m focusing a great deal on the negative. That’s not going to get either of us anywhere.
I know that when I talk to our therapist she’s going to make suggestions that I’m already aware of. I know that I need to look at the upside, He could be working towards a good career that He didn’t even know was possible, doing something that has the potential to be a lot of fun for Him. This is going to hopefully make Him happy, which will make us happy. At the end of the day, that’s what I want for us both. Success doing what it is we like to do. There are opportunities for me to grow into this with Him. He’s already asked me for help and I like that He did that. He’s including me on this, when He could just as easily keep me out completely.
I know that writing about this has certainly helped me. I am feeling much better, proving yet again that writing is great therapy in and among itself for me.