Daddy I don’t think would ever cheat on me. I say think because you just never know what other people will do. I mean hell, you never know what you’re capable of yourself at times, but I don’t think that Daddy would wilfully hurt my feelings like that.
But do Daddy’s eyes wonder all over the place. Yes. Does this hurt my feelings? Double yes. Is this an impossible thing to explain to Him, triple yes. He doesn’t seem to understand that my raging insecurities get the better of me, and while I know that He is just looking, I guess it’s the entire process of “just looking” that gets to me. He always looks so guilty when He does it. All the time. And this isn’t just me embellishing, I promise. I don’t grandiose stories. This is what happens: He notices a woman, He transforms to a smiling personality to a straight face. His eyes move from happy creases, to downcast, and what really gives it away is the way that His mouth shifts. He makes gestures with His lips, I can’t explain it, but these adjustments tell me right away that He has just observed an attractive female walk into the room. And it doesn’t just stop at the one look. What He continues to do, is follow the person around the room. And then occasionally look. Occasionally may actually be an understatement. It’s the constant look up, look over. Repeatedly.
Last night wasn’t really any different. It actually led to a moment of pissed-offness from me. As though I wasn’t entitled to feelings of Him looking at other women. I called Him out on it, as I usually do, because I don’t like to bottle those feelings inside. I’ve done that. I did it for decades. I’m a mother fucking pro at it. I vowed now though, that I wasn’t going to do it this time around. So the truth came tumbling out.
And my over arching point in a round about way, was: I’m insecure, I need validation from you (Him) that I’m loved, that I mean something even though you’re (He) looking at other women. Show me affection, because I get that it’s healthy for you (Him) to look, I just want you to see me too.
Now if you’re wondering, surely you do the same thing too, of course I do. I’m in love, I’m not blind. But do I think I’m that obvious. No, I don’t. Not even close. I think maybe He would prefer that I were so that He could say “well you do the exact same thing”. The thing is, half the time, I’m not paying attention. When I do notice I certainly don’t change my entire demeanour as though I’ve just been caught stealing candy. I mean seriously. There is a subtly in noticing another attractive person. If they’re in your line of sight, sure, give a look, but I don’t feel a compulsion to follow that person around the room and then continue to watch that person.
This is a behaviour that’s not going to change or go away, I know that. What I need though is an adjustment in how He treats me when it happens. I don’t need the obvious hands on approach, like over compensation. I need Him to be okay with me being a little huffy over it, so I can just as quickly not be huffy. I’d like for Him to bring Himself back to me. Am I asking too much?