I’d made a silent promise to myself that I would write an entry every day in the month of November.
I missed November 1st.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk.
I have no set topic, this literally going to be as though I wrote an entry in my handwritten journal. There’s pros and cons to that. Pro: at least I’m writing, Con: my lack of consistent topic may cause people to turn away wondering why am I reading this shit?
But let’s get to it.
A lot of different things have happened since I last wrote anything at all.
I had a migraine that last two and half days. This caused me to have to be out of the office. I spent most of my time in the bedroom trying to create as dark a hole as I could for myself. It also reminded me that I needed to reload on my migraine medicine. I still need to pick that up from the store.
I’ve been suffering from a bout of depression. It’s left me numb, devoid of emotion, and uncommunicative. Or over communicative. I’m not sure. I guess it depends on who you are. If you’re a friend of mine, then probably uncommunicative because I’ve just been trying to just be quiet. If you’re M, then I don’t know what to say. I’ve hurled so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings at Him I’m stunned He’s stuck around.
No one really appreciates the amount of shit that I put that man through. It’s remarkable to me that He loves me and puts up with my shit. I am not as forgiving with Him. If I was dating a male version of myself, I think that I would have called it quits a long time ago.
There is a level of expectation that I have, and while conventional in many ways, I know that they aren’t conventional in other ways. I don’t care what He does for a job, as long as He can support Himself. He’s learning very quickly that I am not His ATM, though it’s a lesson that has taken longer to learn than I would like. And He’s finally getting that when I say I am going to walk away from trying to be helpful about something, that I really do mean it. He tells me that He wants to lose weight, well then you have to actively do activities and behave a certain way to get there. I can’t make Him eat a certain way, so after fighting one too many times about it, I’m leaving it the hell alone.
The facet of expectation that I need met involves what happens behind the door of the bedroom. We’ve talked extensively that our sexual needs are different. I’m not budging on the issue. I want more. I need more. My mental and emotional health are tied my sexual being. I become depressed and get “down” if I’m only having sex once a week. So why not tackle this issue on my own, you may wonder?
Firstly I don’t like masturbating all that much. It’s great in a pinch, but it’s not what I want to do as my release. I need the physical connection. It’s who I am. I love His touch, I love His voice, I love the way that He can make me feel. The only problem that I’m having right now, is that we’ve gone for a while too long now, where I just feel like He’s just not into it as much as I am.
I know that when it comes to the number of times that we actually do it, that yes, we have a different outlook on it, but where He’s lost me is how I feel before, sometimes during, and after. M has a way of making me feel as though He’s doing it for me i.e. He doesn’t really want to do it, but because He knows I want it, He’s going to do it. On paper that doesn’t sound horrible, but the feelings it creates makes me wonder if He’s even interested in us having sex, because He doesn’t initiate.
This is a huge conversation that we’ve had, and we are working on it. We really are, and I really need to learn to be a lot less impatient about the result, because I know that it’s causing a little bit of an issue. Read little as slightly bigger than small, but not as big as a big.
I’ve been told off a couple of times for not allowing Him the time to instigate. M seems to be of the mindset of slow and methodical, but then on the back end of that, He’ll just be ready! Imagine; snail pace with a cheetah chaser. It’s confusing as fuck for me. I’m not used to someone slowly working themselves up for sex and then in a flash saying: I’m ready, hop on. It’s very disorientating and I don’t like the way that it makes me feel. I’ve brought this up to Him, and the resolution is, Kiki needs to be a little more patient and stop having doubts that He won’t follow through.
This is a very hard adjustment for me. I won’t lie, I just want it to be fixed like RIGHT NOW. There is no reality in that. It’s my responsibility to give this time, to allow the adjustment to take place. I also have to remember that this is not something that He’s used to. He’s conducted Himself in a very specific way for so long, and I’ve come a long and I’ve said; you’re way sucks. I need things to go my way. Is this selfish; yes. HOWEVER, I don’t care. He needs to learn to not be selfish with the amount of sex He’s willing to dish out. When I see that He’s made the effort, then we can work on finding balance with both of our needs.
My entire sexual energy at the moment appears to be depleted, and I wonder if in part this has something to do with how things have been between us. The fire that I usually keep inside seems to be like a dull fire. It’s fine if this is what it needs to be for right now, but I don’t want to feel like this all the time. I would rather be my over sexual self. That side is a lot more fun I know that much.
To help hopefully bring that back I’ve quit watching porn, and I turned off seeing the sexual images on twitter, as well as hiding my tumblr app. I think I had reached a point where I was desensitized to it and it was doing absolutely nothing for me. I’ve not noticed much of a difference but I know that my feelings towards sex sometimes comes in waves. There are times that I could just have days of endless wild sex. Right now, I just want a warm slip in, a little ride and glide and we’re done.
It certainly helped with the sex I had last night.
Well kinda… I had some mixed thoughts throughout the entire event.
- Are these the only lips that I will ever kiss?
- Is this the only person that I am ever going to have sex with again?
- Do I really want to have sex with this one person for the remainder of my life?
I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy what I’m doing. I don’t just loose myself in it anymore, I spend way too much of my time trying to sabotage the fun that I’m having. I’d managed to subside that action for a while, and now it’s back again. I don’t know what triggered that. I don’t want to think any of those thoughts. In fact when I was able to turn it off, it felt just as good I remember it does with M. Good seems like Meh, I mean gooooooooood. The kind of good where you don’t want it to stop and if that means being exhausted and tired and mean the next day to people because you stayed up too late for a fuck, good. He knows where to touch me, how to touch me, and even if I don’t always get it, what to say to me.
He and I fit. We have things that we need to work on but I know for me, it’s more a case of not being confident in saying what I want. I believe that if I said I wanted to do such and such, He would give it a try. I’m just lacking (again) in the ability to voice it… and believe me I know that the only way that I am going to get what I want is by asking for it.
For now I just want to get back to kicking up my [sex] drive. Actually I want to get back to kicking up my everything drive, but that’s a different post for a different time because I have to get back to it.
Yes, it is work.