I haven’t really been working hard at working out, so now I need to work hard at it.

By that I mean that I know that things are changing, and toning, I’m just disappointed. I’ve been working very hard at it, but I am not pushing myself. I get to the edge, then I stop because I start to hurt. The point of going to the gym though was so that I did push myself.

I need to take all of my measurements and really hold myself accountable. The only person that can make this change is me. It’s not like I’m against putting in the work. I get up early, I get to the gym, I just need to push myself a little harder than I already have.

I am going to continue doing the work that I am doing but I need to keep up the edge of my breath push that I get to, (and drop off each time). I would rather have a hard work out that doesn’t last 1 hour plus. I can push myself in 15-20 minute segments, pushing to have a great work out. I also need to workout some of the things that I am embarrassed to do at the house if I can’t do them at the gym. I just want to see results. I can do tummy and thigh toning work at home.

Commit to it.

Maybe I’ll start logging everything on here so as to track my progress.

I’m my biggest fan

This is my daily validation that I don’t need to compare myself to other people to know that I am a smart, funny, beautiful, woman who is capable of so many things.

That comparing myself to other people is not a healthy exercise, and that only I, can define who I am.

Sometimes it’s very easy for me to compare myself to other women when I am feeling insecure about myself. This is not a healthy exercise. We are all different people. All bodies are not the same, all personalities are not the same. We are individuals for a reason. We may have common thoughts, and behaviors, but ultimately, what makes a person a person is the fact that no one is quite like yourself.

I have to remind myself of these things because I can get so wrapped up in my own insecurities that I no longer behave like my true self.

I find that this is especially relevant since I have started dating M. It’s not M’s fault, these are insecurities that I’ve carried around with me for years. Since we’ve started dating though they have been especially bad. I don’t know why. It’s rather annoying actually.

What I need to focus on however is reassuring myself that I am the very things that I mentioned earlier; smart, funny, beautiful (inside and out). If I am not loved for what and who I am, then that is not on me. No one validates me, but me.

Pep talks are important. If someone isn’t going to give you one, give it to yourself. I’m finding that it makes me feel better. I should start looking at the mirror and saying it, making sure to really believe all the words that I say to myself. I wonder if with a continuous session of this that I will start to see a change in the way that I see myself and how others see me. I want to be seen as the confident girl (again). I always was when I was a kid. I don’t recognize this adult version of myself. I don’t like this adult version of myself. She’s filled with anxiety (which is fine), but she’s not fighting it. Instead she looks inside the orange dusty bottle of medication and says; take that, it will take the edge of.

I have body image issues because I’m not built like the 20 somethings that I am constantly comparing myself to. I’m not 20 something anymore I’m 30 something… I have room for improvement and I plan to start taking steps soon to get back into the shape that I want to be. I will be getting my gym membership and I will be waking up early and getting healthy. If I could afford a trainer, I would do that too. I want to focus on losing two dress sizes and toning and defining what I have. I know that this all takes a lot of work, but I don’t particularly care for the skin I’m in at the moment. This body is the only one that I am ever going to have, so I need to treat it like the temple I feel it needs to be.

I’m short, broad shouldered and curvy in all the right places. My tummy and hips are my areas of opportunity. This sister is thick. If I can get those under control, I would be more than happy with my size. I really just don’t want to climb up to the size that I was. I’ve had to make small changes in the way that I eat, again. And I am trying to walk more than I was. I feel like I’m going to have a good kick start with the tiny vacation that I have coming up. I have to make sure that I don’t spend all the money that I have while I’m gone, because I want to make sure that I have gym membership dues when I get back. I get excited with the notion of going to the gym because I love being a treadmill.

…so there we have that. Love myself. Even when I have a hard time believing that I am awesome. Love myself, because no one will love me harder than me.

Wednesday Nov 1st… though it’s not, of which I am aware.

I’d made a silent promise to myself that I would write an entry every day in the month of November.

I missed November 1st.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk.
I have no set topic, this literally going to be as though I wrote an entry in my handwritten journal. There’s pros and cons to that. Pro: at least I’m writing, Con: my lack of consistent topic may cause people to turn away wondering why am I reading this shit?

But let’s get to it.

A lot of different things have happened since I last wrote anything at all.
I had a migraine that last two and half days. This caused me to have to be out of the office. I spent most of my time in the bedroom trying to create as dark a hole as I could for myself. It also reminded me that I needed to reload on my migraine medicine. I still need to pick that up from the store.

I’ve been suffering from a bout of depression. It’s left me numb, devoid of emotion, and uncommunicative. Or over communicative. I’m not sure. I guess it depends on who you are. If you’re a friend of mine, then probably uncommunicative because I’ve just been trying to just be quiet. If you’re M, then I don’t know what to say. I’ve hurled so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings at Him I’m stunned He’s stuck around.

No one really appreciates the amount of shit that I put that man through. It’s remarkable to me that He loves me and puts up with my shit. I am not as forgiving with Him. If I was dating a male version of myself, I think that I would have called it quits a long time ago.

There is a level of expectation that I have, and while conventional in many ways, I know that they aren’t conventional in other ways. I don’t care what He does for a job, as long as He can support Himself. He’s learning very quickly that I am not His ATM, though it’s a lesson that has taken longer to learn than I would like. And He’s finally getting that when I say I am going to walk away from trying to be helpful about something, that I really do mean it. He tells me that He wants to lose weight, well then you have to actively do activities and behave a certain way to get there. I can’t make Him eat a certain way, so after fighting one too many times about it, I’m leaving it the hell alone.

The facet of expectation that I need met involves what happens behind the door of the bedroom. We’ve talked extensively that our sexual needs are different. I’m not budging on the issue. I want more. I need more. My mental and emotional health are tied my sexual being. I become depressed and get “down” if I’m only having sex once a week. So why not tackle this issue on my own, you may wonder?

Firstly I don’t like masturbating all that much. It’s great in a pinch, but it’s not what I want to do as my release. I need the physical connection. It’s who I am. I love His touch, I love His voice, I love the way that He can make me feel. The only problem that I’m having right now, is that we’ve gone for a while too long now, where I just feel like He’s just not into it as much as I am.

I know that when it comes to the number of times that we actually do it, that yes, we have a different outlook on it, but where He’s lost me is how I feel before, sometimes during, and after. M has a way of making me feel as though He’s doing it for me i.e. He doesn’t really want to do it, but because He knows I want it, He’s going to do it. On paper that doesn’t sound horrible, but the feelings it creates makes me wonder if He’s even interested in us having sex, because He doesn’t initiate.

This is a huge conversation that we’ve had, and we are working on it. We really are, and I really need to learn to be a lot less impatient about the result, because I know that it’s causing a little bit of an issue. Read little as slightly bigger than small, but not as big as a big.

I’ve been told off a couple of times for not allowing Him the time to instigate. M seems to be of the mindset of slow and methodical, but then on the back end of that, He’ll just be ready! Imagine; snail pace with a cheetah chaser. It’s confusing as fuck for me. I’m not used to someone slowly working themselves up for sex and then in a flash saying: I’m ready, hop on. It’s very disorientating and I don’t like the way that it makes me feel. I’ve brought this up to Him, and the resolution is, Kiki needs to be a little more patient and stop having doubts that He won’t follow through.

This is a very hard adjustment for me. I won’t lie, I just want it to be fixed like RIGHT NOW. There is no reality in that. It’s my responsibility to give this time, to allow the adjustment to take place. I also have to remember that this is not something that He’s used to. He’s conducted Himself in a very specific way for so long, and I’ve come a long and I’ve said; you’re way sucks. I need things to go my way. Is this selfish; yes. HOWEVER, I don’t care. He needs to learn to not be selfish with the amount of sex He’s willing to dish out. When I see that He’s made the effort, then we can work on finding balance with both of our needs.

My entire sexual energy at the moment appears to be depleted, and I wonder if in part this has something to do with how things have been between us. The fire that I usually keep inside seems to be like a dull fire. It’s fine if this is what it needs to be for right now, but I don’t want to feel like this all the time. I would rather be my over sexual self. That side is a lot more fun I know that much.

To help hopefully bring that back I’ve quit watching porn, and I turned off seeing the sexual images on twitter, as well as hiding my tumblr app. I think I had reached a point where I was desensitized to it and it was doing absolutely nothing for me. I’ve not noticed much of a difference but I know that my feelings towards sex sometimes comes in waves. There are times that I could just have days of endless wild sex. Right now, I just want a warm slip in, a little ride and glide and we’re done.

It certainly helped with the sex I had last night.

Well kinda… I had some mixed thoughts throughout the entire event.

  • Are these the only lips that I will ever kiss?
  • Is this the only person that I am ever going to have sex with again?
  • Do I really want to have sex with this one person for the remainder of my life?

I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy what I’m doing. I don’t just loose myself in it anymore, I spend way too much of my time trying to sabotage the fun that I’m having. I’d managed to subside that action for a while, and now it’s back again. I don’t know what triggered that. I don’t want to think any of those thoughts. In fact when I was able to turn it off, it felt just as good I remember it does with M. Good seems like Meh, I mean gooooooooood. The kind of good where you don’t want it to stop and if that means being exhausted and tired and mean the next day to people because you stayed up too late for a fuck, good. He knows where to touch me, how to touch me, and even if I don’t always get it, what to say to me.

He and I fit.  We have things that we need to work on but I know for me, it’s more a case of not being confident in saying what I want. I believe that if I said I wanted to do such and such, He would give it a try. I’m just lacking (again) in the ability to voice it… and believe me I know that the only way that I am going to get what I want is by asking for it.

For now I just want to get back to kicking up my [sex] drive. Actually I want to get back to kicking up my everything drive, but that’s a different post for a different time because I have to get back to it.

Yes, it is work.



You unstable bitch… I know right!?!

What the actual fuck is wrong with me? Do I suffer from a disorder that allows me to see outside of myself and recognize when I am actively participating in damaging behavior? If so, what is that? I need to understand.

Yesterday I experienced sub-drop (I’d played Sunday). It’s been a very long time since I last experienced that particular version of drop. It includes questioning myself worth, wanting to isolate myself, and I think that it may even have rolled into physical symptoms including an upset stomach and a mild headache. I’ve actually suffered massive migraines from a Top/ sub drop so I’m completely unsurprised by that last one. But the reduction in self-esteem and the need for isolation are not results I’ve had in a long time, and I’m not handling it very well.

I know what’s causing it, I know that I need to stop the behavior, but each time I just feel myself stepping down that path again. I can’t explain it other than a light coming on and off. I recognize that I have the problem. I back away from it, and then in a moment I find myself having the very same feeling again.

What makes this all the more worse is that I am trying really hard to separate myself from M. He was so busy yesterday He wouldn’t have noticed, but today is a new day, and He’s off so the act of trying to hide away may be unsuccessful.

I wish that I could explain the feelings but for someone who doesn’t hold the level of empathy/ compassion/ sympathy etc that I do, it makes it hard for me to be able to explain. I don’t want His attention until I want His attention. I don’t want His touch until I need it. The troubling thing at the moment is that I am so far down on wanting isolation that the notion of any contact at all just makes me want to burst into tears.

I know that the fix for this is very, very simple. I just need to be around Him. It really is that simple, but I’m stuck at work, in my own head surrounded by non-Him’s so I get to lament on the fact that;

  • I’m better off single
  • Does He really need to be a nice person and talk to His ex girlfriend?
  • He unfriended her on FB, what exactly is the necessity to be friends on their again?
  • He doesn’t’ care about me, He only cares about Him
  • He should have checked in on me sooner than the 3 ½ hours that He did.

The sensible person in me knows that these things are really stupid things to worry about. I talk to all sorts of people I don’t expect Him to put limitations on that. I know He wants to, but He doesn’t have it in Him to actively say: don’t. I also know that, no, He didn’t know how bad the drop was, because even I didn’t realize how bad it was (/is).  I shouldn’t hold that against Him because that’s not fair. He doesn’t have esp, He can’t read my mind. The emotional part of me just wants Him to understand that, that is where I am, but because He doesn’t, I am trying to unfairly punish Him by distancing myself… I swear He dates someone who is very unstable. Does anyone else do this shit? Because I feel like I must be the only one.

And that’s what I’m talking about. I am so self-aware that I recognize that I have the problem. I know what I need to do to “fix” it. I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to be consistent so that I can drag myself out of it. It’s a really great, yet totally fucking annoying quality, I know that much.

Magic… mini wand (please?!?)

I play with toys. My collection isn’t even as close to be extensive as I would like it to be. Let’s consider the cost alone of some toys. I’m a girl on a budget. A toy that is upwards of $200 better do more than rock my world. It needs to take me out for dinner at the very least first. That being beside the point, of what toys I do have, I certainly have my favourites, the least of which is my Magic Wand.

I think every woman that I know has some sort of version of this toy. It looks like a very large back massager and is the most simple of all massagers there could ever be. It’s hard wired and has two settings; Low/ High. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. You plug it in, you turn it on, apply and boom… if you’re lucky.

Now, I like my magic wand, but it’s not my go to toy. In fact if I had it my way, I’d put it in the closet and only bring it out if I absolutely have to. M doesn’t feel the same way. I wish that He did, but He doesn’t. This seems to be His go to toy and I’ve mentioned before that I really don’t care for it, but I don’t think that He really understands what I am saying. Better yet, I feel as though He is blocking out what I am saying, because He wants it to be the toy He wants to play with. Does that make sense?

There are a couple of reasons that I am not overly fond of this as my go to toy. First and foremost, I have some negative associations with it. M can at times over share information and knowing that He and His ex-fuck partner used one together, makes me feel a little icky. I’m fully aware that this is just an inanimate object, and said object belongs to me and not someone else, but it’s hard enough sometimes that I have these images of these two people together, that throwing in a tangible object into that just makes me want to yack.  I also have my own memories with my previous partner who quite frankly was a fucking wizard with the damn thing so it’s really a mind fuck for me when the damn thing is presented into play time.

The other thing is that I’m a small girl, I’m curvy all over, but I’m physically petite and as far as I’m concerned it’s overly large and awkward to navigate. Forget that it’s loud, forget that it’s corded and I’m bound to where I’ve plugged it in, it’s just big. M holds it and it looks more than appropriate in his hands. I hold the damn thing and it looks like I’m wielding something to a medieval flame riddled torch. I basically feel ridiculous. This is why I prefer my small and mighty vibrator.

I got it off amazon a few years ago and I love it so much. I want to get another one, but they don’t’ appear to be made anymore, and I feel it would be quite an extensive task on my part to find something that worked equally well. This wand fits comfortably in my hand, has more settings than I care about, and whisks me away to bliss a good 95% of the time. This is the toy that I pull out any other time I want to come and it’s the first one I go to when I want to rub one out quick, fast, and in a hurry. So it’s always disappointing when M asks for the other wand. I’ve gotten into the bad habit of asking if He’s sure He wants “Magic” and every time He says He does, my internal mood usually changes pretty quickly, although my outer mood, I try and keep the same. After all, I would be a fool to turn down an orgasm just because I don’t like a toy.

Just a couple of things…

Over the past week, I’ve had a couple of interesting things happen

  1. Therapy

Nearly all but this appointment was one where both M and I attend. I want to make sure that He and I have to the most successful relationship possible, I feel that this is one of the better ways to accomplish this. This last appoint however was not one where we had a joint session. Rather when asked if I wanted Him to leave the room, I hesitantly said yes.
I’m glad that I did. We were able to talk through a couple of things and I felt good after I walked out of the appointment. There were things that I walked away thinking very positively on, and things that I need to work towards to achieve what I hope will be the next phase of my life.
These aren’t really things that I will get into much detail on right now, but I am working on creating a bigger social presence for myself, building from the ground up where I once was. It’s actual work to be that social for me since it’s a lot easier for me to have a screw it attitude and not engage with people, but I’ve come to realize that if I want to accomplish the goal of developing myself as a brand, then I have to do a little bit more coming out of my shell so to speak.
I was also given some advice about my relationship, and we had a conversation about factors in my relationship, that in some ways were overdue. We shall get to that shortly.

  1. Saturday

Before Saturday had rolled by, M and I had promised our friend that we would attend the local dungeon with her. I felt neither here or there about going. I certainly wasn’t going for my own benefit, but rather because she needed us to be there for her.

…but Saturday night I was desperate to say no.

Later in the afternoon I developed a menstrual migraine. It was wicked. It seemed to come out of nowhere and completely sent me diving under the covers to get away from everything. Namely sunlight. I closed my eyes for several hours, making sure to have supper and then crawled into bed shortly after. M during this time was out working, coming home for supper and with the intent of us going out to the dungeon. And so began a couple hours of bulls… that I really didn’t appreciate at all.

In a very tired state, I guess I had told M something along the lines of; “Go to the dungeon. It’s okay”. I would like to state that I was completely whacked out with a migraine and half asleep. I didn’t mean this, I was trying to be nice. Stupid move on my part.

M begins loading up his play bag. I’m hearing this happen and I start coming too, but I’m far too exhausted to lift my head to really whine and complain that whatever nonsense I’ve just spewed I was wrong. Rather my mind begins to reel and I’m starting to just get plain angry that this is actually happening. He sounds like He’s taking me up on my offer. He is considering going to the dungeon and leaving me when I feel like absolute shit.

When He’s done He leans over me and asks: “are you sure that it’s okay if I go”. I think my blood was boiling at that moment, and I think, at this point I had enough sense to say that if He went I really would not be okay with this. In fact, I believe I went so far as to threaten that if He left that He might not see me when He got back. I was that angry. Not simply because He was going to go to the dungeon without me, but because I wasn’t feeling good. He should be home taking care of me. Or is this me yet again pushing unrealistic expectations on Him?

By this time, I was completely awake. I was drinking as much water as I could tolerate and I took more headache medicine. I wanted to just get this conversation over and done with. If we were going to talk this one out, I was going to be as lucid as I could possibly be.

And talk we did. Actually, as usual I did most of the talking, but we did talk about it. He explained that He felt as though I was being distant lately, almost as if I was pulling away. I tried to tell Him that since I was no longer on my medication I didn’t feel the same way anymore. The little bit of dullness that the medicine had given me had ebbed away and I was feeling differently. I don’t feel that sadness that I used to all the time. In fact, I feel the opposite, at times I feel social, wanting to spend time with people and friends. I haven’t felt like that in a very long time. It’s a nice feeling. It’s somewhat akin to what I was like when I was a teenager. I want to be out and about doing stuff. Granted I want it on my terms many of the times, but I still want to be out more than I ever did before. The flip side of this though is that I was also growing very frustrated and angry that He wasn’t following through with things that He told me He would. Getting a new job, losing weight. Things that He tells me He wants to do so badly, but doesn’t work on. My answer to not getting so upset about these things anymore is simply disconnecting myself from them. I’m not going to try and be helpful towards him regarding those things anymore. The more I insert myself, the more I want to remove myself. Therefore, the best course of action is for me to no longer impose myself where my nose does not belong.

Since that conversation I feel as though things have been a little better between us. We have a few other things that have since surfaced, but these are manageable items that we can work through.

So there we have that… a couple of interesting things





After locating my camera that I subsequently handed over to my eldest for school purposes, I decided that I should probably take a look and see if there are any images on the SD card that was located in said camera. I scrolled through seeing a couple of food items, then me dressed in my favourite corset and a pair of boots, and then low and behold; penis.

Not just anyone’s random penis, but ex-relationship penis. Of course what made this even more hilarious was the fact that M was also looking at the pictures with me.

Now, have you ever had that moment where you’re looking through pictures, and you’re actively acknowledging what you’re seeing, but you’ve almost forgotten that someone is looking at the images with you? That was me. I was trying to get through the pictures as quickly as possible, but they seemed endless. You would think that I would have just turned off the camera, but sometimes when you’re caught off guard like that, you can’t help but press forward in the memento that you’ve started. We finally reached the end and relief just washed over me.

The first thing M says when we’re done; “…well I suspected he was small”. I didn’t laugh, I thought that would be unkind. I was with said penis for well over a decade and a half. I wasn’t happy the entire time I was married, but it’s not nice to mock another man’s genitals. So I just asked for Him to “be nice”.

To this moment I still can’t believe that I have those photos. I remember taking them, but I thought that I had deleted the pictures. That’s not the first penis of a person I’ve been with that’s turned up before my eyes. That’s the only one however that has ended up being viewed by M, hopefully it will also be the last.