I’ve sat here for a straight 2-3 minutes debating on what’s the best way to intro this. There is no best way, so in the only way I know how, let’s get to it.
There’s a slew of things that I will be covering. They won’t all go up under one entry. For one; too long. For two; I want to break them down a little and really think through what and how I want to communicate things.
So let’s start with: “Baby”
My parents had very sweet pet names for each other throughout the entirety of their marriage. My dad, the decider of the name; “Mahal”. In Filipino it means translates to something along the lines of; [my] love. They only stopped calling each other that when my father passed, but from the day I was able to understand anything at all, I knew that my parents calling each other Mahal, even when they were upset with one another was just a really sweet and simple way to remind each other that they loved each other.
When I married, I wanted to be called Mahal. We tried it out, it didn’t stick. In fact, it felt almost weird referring to my then husband as mahal. It was like I had taken something that was parents and I was trying to make it my own. It didn’t work. Instead, we landed on the very generic: honey. While not original to say the least, it stuck.
When that relationship ran its course, I didn’t think that I would be receiving any endearing pet names anytime soon. So, when I met my current partner and was referred to as “Baby”, I was for the first time really very happy with it. In fact if he only called me that, I would be more than satisfied. I won’t go into the myriad of other names that have been thrown my way. Suffice to say Baby is one of the ones that I cherished the most.
And there we have that; cherished. Note the past tense, because in the space of one night, I no longer care to be called his “baby”. In fact, I think for a little while, he needs to just refer to me by my [nick]name.
Why you may be wondering… well let me tell you.
In case you know nothing about me at all, I/ we watch porn. Quantity, quality and type are not significant. So last night we were watching it . The kind we both like. M has a tendency to have all sorts of commentary while he watches. I vacillate between being humored and wishing that he would just not speak. I’m sure you understand. So while we we’re watching the comments began rolling in, and then some point in the middle he drops “baby” into the mix, (in reference to the woman in the clip).
Do you ever have those moments when you just want to stop everything, hit rewind and make sure that you actually heard what you thought you just did? Well that was me. After quickly gathering my thoughts, I pointed to the screen and asked, “did you just call her baby” he confirmed and I immediately became incensed. I told him I didn’t like it and he promptly called her, slut. As though that was going to make up for that transgression.
So here I am Thursday afternoon and I’m still annoyed. Of course I am. He called some random chick “baby”. He calls me baby. I thought that calling me baby was special. Evidently not. I am apparently very wrong on that score, and now baby has expanded to anyone.
If you’re wondering if this is the first time that he’s done that, I will let you know that it is not. Is this the first time that I have told him that I do not like it. I honestly can’t remember, but I sure as fuck will tell you that I am very salty about it.
This, along with a bunch of other bullshit things that have happened are really making me wonder how I am feeling these days.
I know this much today; I AM ANGRY.
I don’t like sharing my pet name with others or strangers. I simply do not. I am entitled to feel that way. I am entitled to be upset. I don’t think that he would understand why.
I feel as though he doesn’t place value on things. He certainly doesn’t’ place the same value on things as I do.
I considered that mine and he has taken that away from me and made it for anyone and everyone. It’s a complete lack of respect in my eyes. He is disrespecting me completely and this is just another in a notch of things that he’s done of late that I feel has been disrespectful towards me.
I grow so tired of all of it. I grow so tired of my feelings being thought so little of that I feel less than.
To give a little context as to why I feel so strongly about this I’ll try to explain why baby meant as much to me as it did.
I am not one who likes to be called something that has been used in previous relationships. If anything I find it lazy, unoriginal, and quite frankly (to me,) you might as well be pulling things from that past relationship into the current relationship. We could analyze that all day, but that’s how I feel, so let’s just accept it and move forward.
After a considerable amount of time dating, I asked if he had called any of his previous girlfriends baby. He said that he hadn’t, though he had tried, it didn’t seem to fit. With me, it did. You see what happened there? I was the right fit for that. Like Cinderella’s slipper. Yes, I compared myself to a shoe in a fairy tale. Fuck you, I’m sticking with it.
When he called some non-event; baby, I suddenly became lumped into a shoe bucket. Apparently I’m sticking with the shoe analogy. I’m not fucking generic. I simply am not, but that very simple slip, has made me feel as though I am no longer his baby. For shit sake, we might as well all be baby. That means you too reader. You could very well be his baby!
Am I making my case here? Whether I’m making it or not, the simple fact remains. I am pissed off about this.
I haven’t made a single effort today to talk to him. He texted me, I said Hi. He called me (twice now), I was talking to someone at work earlier, the second time, I was too busy proofing this. In other words, I haven’t called him back. This I acknowledge is not the best way to work through resolving my grievance, but honestly I’ve got so many at this point, perhaps avoidance is my best recourse.